Saturday, September 27, 2014

Kaid - 4 months

Kaid turned 4 months on September 4th.

This has been the hardest month so far.  We still don't get more than 2-3 hours of sleep at a time.  Some have suggested that I supplement with formula in the evening to see if that would help.  We've tried; it doesn't.  Ah well.  Someday I will have a full night of sleep again! It is certainly all worth it when he smiles that handsome toothless grin at me.  I love him so much!

Toothless handsome grin makes our sleepless nights worth it!
On a more positive note, this has been the month that Sean and I have made big decisions relating to our work/financial situation.  I will be staying home with Kaid until he's about a year old (perhaps with a few part-time hours if I find something that fits and allows me to still breastfeed.)  If you missed that post, you can read it here.

And, the milestone for this month: Kaid turned from back to front.  It's so cute to watch his surprised little face when he starts seeing the world from another perspective.  Oh, and he also started making bubbles :)

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Craving simplicity

As some of you know, I may or may not be going through a mid-life crisis.  At least that's what it appears to be from the outside.  From the inside, it feels like a maze I'm trying to get out of.

I keep making big decisions, then changing my mind. Going in one direction just to completely change course. 

It's time to simplify things a bit.  So I'm removing all the distractions that don't serve me anymore.  I'm bound to find my way if I get rid of everything that doesn't serve me.

First on my list: Facebook.  I've always been a big fan of Facebook.  It was a way for me to keep in touch with family (most of whom live quite far away) and also to share positive energy with friends.  However, things have changed and it is now time for me to remove this distraction that takes away (rather than add) time and energy.  I might go back eventually, but for now, until I figure things out, bu-bye Facebook. 

Second: is something I've started last year.  Decluttering.  Taking 10-15 minutes each day to remove (give, sell, recycle or throw away) items that no longer serve us.

Third: I need want to sit in silence once a day and remove mental clutter.  Meditate.  Listen.  Pray.  Once a day.  I commit.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

House tour - Part 1

I've been meaning to do this post of our new home for awhile now.  At this point, eight and half months of living in it probably doesn't count as a new home anymore!

We took possession in January of this year.  (Btw I don't recommend moving in January to anyone living in Eastern Canada climate.  Everything was dark, snowy, cold and crazy.  Not a fun experience.  Especially 6 months pregnant.)

Although I love this house for its charm and creative potential, I still don't feel "at home" 8 months moved in.  My husband and I have actually discussed on and off the possibility of moving again.  I know, crazy.  If we do, you can be sure it won't be in January.

It's not that I don't love this home.  We bought it because we fell in love with it, obviously.  But after having my two feet in it, I am learning things about myself which at the time I didn't realize were important to me.  The best way to describe what I'm feeling is that it simply doesn't feel like home.  The flow isn't right for us.

I struggled with my feelings for months before telling hubby.  Buying a home is one of the biggest decisions of our lives, right?  Right.  And I feel like I screwed up.

Part of me feels VERY guilty, not only for having possibly screwed up the biggest decisions of our lives, but mostly because some people don't even have home :(  Like, what am I complaining about.  Put in perspective, my problems are minor.  I am grateful for what I have and I do thank God every day.  I just hope that one day I will feel at home, whichever way that is meant to happen.

Front entrance 
As you can see there is no carpet.  My (rescued) dogs will pee on anything that looks like a carpet, so for now, it's just easier to leave the entrance without one.  That's Lila the pug, right there.

Living room - this is where we spend most of our time as a family. 

I have a love/hate relationship with this kitchen.  Visually, it's adorable.  Functionally, not so much.  I do enjoy the two-way staircase that goes into the kitchen on this side, and to the front entrance on the other side.  And the Ikea cabinets (right) that we put in have definitely helped make this kitchen more functional.

Dining room
When we bought the house, this was my favourite room!  I could visualize myself spending time in there, feeding my baby and eating with my family.  Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out that way.  It is separated from the kitchen and I'm really missing that open concept where I can interact with people while I cook.  Still pretty though.

Master bedroom  
This is my favourite room in the house.  It's very cozy.  It's where I can unwind and where I feel the most at home.

I also love our washroom.  How can we not love a bath like that!  It's also where I laboured for the first part of Kaid's birth.  (We eventually made it out to the hospital with our midwife.)

Nursery - Kaid's room
This is my 2nd favourite room.  I spend a lot of time in here with the baby.  It's a large and bright room.  The colour we chose for the wall, Benjamin Moore "silver satin", is just perfect.

Boys' washroom
This washroom has not been renovated, but I still like it a lot.   It's a smaller bath, which is PERFECT for baby, with a standing shower (great for the teenager). 

View from our front porch
Our front porch is lovely.  We've certainly enjoyed sitting out there this summer.  My only complaint is the noise coming from an adjacent main road.  I didn't realize how much noise could bother me until we moved here.

We have a great backyard.  It's large and has lots of potential.  The dogs love it.

Not shown are the teenager's bedroom, a smaller half-bathroom on the main floor, and the unfinished attic (a great space that we will use to create a family den should we decide to stay long-term).

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

My new part-time job... that never happened

In my last post about how our life has taken a totally different turn (read post here), I also made mention that I found the "perfect part-time job". 

The job was a receptionist position in a spa.  Fifteen hours a week (leaving me lots of time with my baby), this job required me to share positive energy with clients in a beautiful and peaceful environment. 

To me, that sounded like a perfect job for a mom who wants to stay home as much as possible with baby.

I put my best face (and outfit) forward and went in for my first 3-hour training session.

 There was so much to learn (do I really have the energy to do this?).  Every time a client came in I felt anxiety.  I had no extra positive energy to share!  It just didn't feel right. 

So this won't work out either :(  Thank goodness for a supportive and understanding husband.  We could use some extra income right now.

For the first time in a long time, I can say that I don't know where I'm going and what I'm doing.  Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis (I am 37 after all!)

Mid-life crisis and a baby... perhaps I should write a book.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Life is filled with change & growth

I read a quote lately that went something like "A person who views the world the same as she did many years ago has wasted many years of life."

Boy oh boy am I ever facing this life lesson right now.

This summer I haven't just been taking care of my newborn son. I've also been ironing out my resume, putting together cover letters and applying for full-time work. This has been our plan for the past two years while I was finishing my Translation degree.  Even when we unexpectedly got pregnant last year, we kept going and thought this was the best plan in the world.

A couple of weeks ago, I was pulled into a job competition and was basically told I got the job when they called me in for an interview (long story). Great news, right? Aaaall our hard work finally paying off. Not only was this job a GREAT career opportunity, but financially, it was ideal. We would be more than doubling our income. We were thinking more house renovations, (much needed) new car, perhaps a family vacation for next year, just to name a few of the things from our "wants" list.

Seeing that a full-time job was in my close future, I started weaning off my baby from breastfeeding. My husband, who is on paid parental leave from his job (yes, we're very lucky and so grateful for this!), also started getting ready mentally for the transition. He would be becoming a full-time stay-at-home-Dad until his parental leave is done at the end of January.  This was all part of our plan.

The night before my interview, I was nursing my 4-month old son and he looked up at me with the sweetest most loving smile. His eyes were full of love. I saw in his eyes that I'm his whole world. And it hit me, a heart-wrenching sadness. I DON'T WANT TO return to full-time work right now. I WANT to stay with my baby. Actually there is nothing I want more than that.

This was not our plan and I fought it in my head and heart for so long telling myself "I can do this. This is so easy, I will go back to work full-time and move on with my career, and baby can stay home with Dad for the first nice months, and then we can get a nanny, and we'll have lots of money to do lots of fun stuff."

Yea right.

That night after I put Kaid to sleep, hubby walks into the nursery to check up on us. I was so scared to tell him how I felt. I didn't want to disappoint him when he was counting on me. He spent the last two years supporting us financially. We all have worked SO HARD and made ginourmous sacrifices as a family for me to pursue this dream of working as a translator.

But once I said the words out loud, "I don't want to stop breastfeeding and leave my baby", I knew my husband "got it". I didn't need to say more. He looked at me approvingly and said "ok". Can we say "big weight off my shoulders!?"

I cannot tell you the amount of stress that left my body once I verbalized what had just come to my consciousness.

Hubby even shared with me the next day that he felt relieved I was going to be home with baby. (We did agree that I would take on some local part-time hours though. Something not too far from home that would allow me to keep breastfeeding. Stay tuned for a future post about the perfect part-time job I found!  Yes, I am blessed.)

Life has a way of humbling us. It is filled with change and growth. And "A person who views the world the same as she did many years ago has wasted many years of life.”  One thing is for sure is that I didn't waste the past two years; I feel so different.  Having my baby boy has changed my heart and it reorganized our priorities.  And that's ok.

Now I just have to let go and let Life guide me into the "unplanned".