I read a quote lately that went something like "A person who views the world the same as she did many years ago has wasted many years of life."
Boy oh boy am I ever facing this life lesson right now.
This summer I haven't just been taking care of my newborn son. I've also been ironing out my resume, putting together cover letters and applying for full-time work. This has been our plan for the past two years while I was finishing my Translation degree. Even when we unexpectedly got pregnant last year, we kept going and thought this was the best plan in the world.
A couple of weeks ago, I was pulled into a job competition and was basically told I got the job when they called me in for an interview (long story). Great news, right? Aaaall our hard work finally paying off. Not only was this job a GREAT career opportunity, but financially, it was ideal. We would be more than doubling our income. We were thinking more house renovations, (much needed) new car, perhaps a family vacation for next year, just to name a few of the things from our "wants" list.
Seeing that a full-time job was in my close future, I started weaning off my baby from breastfeeding. My husband, who is on paid parental leave from his job (yes, we're very lucky and so grateful for this!), also started getting ready mentally for the transition. He would be becoming a full-time stay-at-home-Dad until his parental leave is done at the end of January. This was all part of our plan.
The night before my interview, I was nursing my 4-month old son and he looked up at me with the sweetest most loving smile. His eyes were full of love. I saw in his eyes that I'm his whole world. And it hit me, a heart-wrenching sadness. I DON'T WANT TO return to full-time work right now. I WANT to stay with my baby. Actually there is nothing I want more than that.
This was not our plan and I fought it in my head and heart for so long telling myself "I can do this. This is so easy, I will go back to work full-time and move on with my career, and baby can stay home with Dad for the first nice months, and then we can get a nanny, and we'll have lots of money to do lots of fun stuff."
That night after I put Kaid to sleep, hubby walks into the nursery to check up on us. I was so scared to tell him how I felt. I didn't want to disappoint him when he was counting on me. He spent the last two years supporting us financially. We all have worked SO HARD and made ginourmous sacrifices as a family for me to pursue this dream of working as a translator.
But once I said the words out loud, "I don't want to stop breastfeeding and leave my baby", I knew my husband "got it". I didn't need to say more. He looked at me approvingly and said "ok". Can we say "big weight off my shoulders!?"
I cannot tell you the amount of stress that left my body once I verbalized what had just come to my consciousness.
Hubby even shared with me the next day that he felt relieved I was going to be home with baby. (We did agree that I would take on some local part-time hours though. Something not too far from home that would allow me to keep breastfeeding. Stay tuned for a future post about the perfect part-time job I found! Yes, I am blessed.)
Life has a way of humbling us. It is filled with change and growth. And "A person who views the world the same as she did many years ago has wasted many years of life.” One thing is for sure is that I didn't waste the past two years; I feel so different. Having my baby boy has changed my heart and it reorganized our priorities. And that's ok.
Now I just have to let go and let Life guide me into the "unplanned".